You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
