He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
