He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
