I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
