If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
