is your mom at the bar?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
