you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
