Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
