Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
