We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
