Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
