I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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