i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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