you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
