i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
