My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
