i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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