I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
