I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
