My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
