my soul wont recognize me after tonight
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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