That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
