I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
