ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
