Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
