Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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