i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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