He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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