Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
