We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
