i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
