this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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