shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
