Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
