8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
