There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
