I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
