Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm drive I can fine osifer
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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