It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
