Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
