discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
