You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
His nipple licking is glorious
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