shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
is that a dick in a sweater?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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