chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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