insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
