the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
