I think i peed on brittanys purse
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
