i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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