also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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