What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
