Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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