So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
