So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
